dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
