i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
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