New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
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4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
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Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome