just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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