this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
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The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha