i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened