they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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