I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
