So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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