I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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