Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
