I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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