i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
