TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
