Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize