when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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