Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
