Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
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Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
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Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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