accomplished twins. life is a go
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
