I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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