I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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