This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize