I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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