I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
