then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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