Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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