you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
