I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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