If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
