Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
