nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
