I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
