I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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