YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Randomize
