I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
