There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
