Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Randomize
