we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
