i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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