Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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