the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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