The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
