I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My cat gives me a boner
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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