When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
