Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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