last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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