The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
So apparently I’m into choking now
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
