I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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