You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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