I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
