There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
please come you make the beer taste better
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
