my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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