Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
