Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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