turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My dad just said "fuck circus"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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