Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
