You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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