I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Terrible idea I love it
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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