I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
