Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
