Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
