You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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