I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
