I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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